As I sit here to write a blog post, I can’t help but be brought back to the thoughts, feelings, and memories from that horrifying day, 23 years ago. What we all know as “September 11th.”
I received a call from my mom early in the morning (West Coast) in the most terrified voice I’ve ever heard her use. “Holly, do NOT go to work today.” At the time, I worked at a government-owned installation and we didn’t know what else was a target. Wow that emotion in my mom’s voice. It still cuts to my core all these years later. That deep-rooted desire to do whatever necessary to keep our baby cubs safe… And now, I’ve got this desire burning a hole in me with my own kids.
There’s no other way to put it. Being a mom is a messy, emotional business. One moment you’re so over-the-moon that your kid voluntarily ran up and gave you a hug. The next minute, you’re absolutely livid because your kid “accidentally” threw a toy car at the TV and broke it beyond repair. (That has happened in our household. THREE TIMES. And no, Costco won’t replace it for you, even if you just got it a month ago.) Anyone that knows me, even briefly, is aware I wear my heart on my sleeve. Hiding my emotions is not my forte. The same is true around my kids.
My boys know when I am happy, sad, angry, anxious — all the feels. Some may say that’s not a good idea. Expose kids to all of your emotions? Seriously? After all, you’re the mom; the adult they’re depending on for everything. I’m calling BS on this. Kids are smart and they deserve to know and understand when a parent is upset. Not in gross detail of course, but sharing with them, “yes, I’m really sad because our beloved family dog has gone to doggie heaven and I’m crying.” Helping them understand that it’s okay to feel feelings and that their parents have them, too is healthy.
In fact, I’ve heard recently that pretending everything is okay even when kids suspect differently is a form of gaslighting. Triggered yet? I was triggered when I first heard about the concept. Like no way would I ever gaslight my kids! I am a good mom.
Calling a spade a spade will help kids grow up trusting their instincts about emotional situations. The key is, I make sure my kids understand that while I am having big feelings, it in no way takes away from how much I love them. Additionally, I reassure them I will continue doing my job of taking care of them and keeping them safe. This also teaches my kids to identify and “call out” their own feelings instead of keeping them bottled up and risking a big blow-up later.
This mom business is so hard! It’s an emotional roller coaster that never ends.
Cherish yourself: When you’re having emotions, allow yourself to express them. Don’t expend extra energy trying to hide them from your kids. They’re picking up on more than you think.
You are right on, Holly! Maybe a little off the subject here, but having the emotions and then being able to apologize if appropriate, is another great thing to model for your kiddos!