Managing emotions while helping your child navigate loss

Sigh. We just had to say goodbye to our foster dog, Buddy yesterday. So many emotions pinging around the house right now. One kid is especially sad and angry about it. The other kid is confused about how he’s feeling because he has firmly decided to be a cat person. My husband is definitely missing Buddy. I miss him, too. I love dogs. Constant companions, always so happy to see you, even if it has only been a couple minutes. Dogs are regular reminders of how to play, and I know I can use more reminders to play. But the challenges surrounding managing emotions while trying to help my kids navigate theirs? WOOF.

You know that expression “flight or fight?” Well, there’s a third part to the expression I learned more recently: “freeze.” After learning about the freeze option, it became clear to me I am pretty good at freezing when hard things happen. Although, I’m proud to say my version of freezing includes a lot of processing and game-planning for how to get back on the proverbial horse. It’s hard to go with my modus operandi though and freeze when my kids need help managing emotions, too. 

So… I’ve been embracing the approach of time-boxing to navigate this latest hard thing. (Which triggers memories of losing my beloved Sparky who I had for 15+ years.) I took some time for myself first to be with my thoughts and feelings. I opted not to go with my husband and kids to drop Buddy off. Instead, I stayed home to give myself some quiet time. It was my opportunity to do some initial processing. When they arrived back home, sans pup, I was able to literally welcome them with open arms and deliver kisses and words of empathy. My ability to comfort them was bolstered by first processing some of my own feelings.

Their homecoming without Buddy was hard and required yet another quiet session for managing emotions. Just as I do when I need a mom timeout — that is, a few minutes to myself to cool down before I blow my top; I explained to the kids I was feeling sad and needed a bit of time to process. Excellent opportunity for them to have a bit of screen time! Taking that time for myself filled up my tank enough to circle back before bedtime and have a heart-to-heart with my kids about all the feelings surrounding saying goodbye. 

I am really proud of myself for imparting what I’m actively learning to my own kids — that it’s okay to feel the emotions when they hit. In fact, it’s really healthy and helpful to let out the feels. It’s a healthy and productive way of managing emotions before they end up managing you.

Cherish yourself: When going through something hard, give yourself a moment to be quiet and feel what you’re feeling before circling back to help your kids navigate their own feelings. Yet another iteration on the whole “put your own oxygen mask first before assisting others.”