Navigating the cycle of depression while parenting

Note: Originally published in September 2023

It has been entirely too long since I last took the time for myself to write. I’ve had back-to-back illnesses resulting in a cycle of depression. Whatever energy I’ve had has gone to supporting projects for my kids’ school and trying to keep up around the house. I am so wiped out and frustrated about being wiped out. I’ve been unable to do all the things I’ve wanted to do. Like writing blog posts, which happens to be an excellent form of therapy for me! My cherished creative outlet. Being sick and navigating this resulting cycle of depression has me feeling pretty low at times.

I’m going to be open about the fact that I have a history of clinical depression and anxiety. It’s just a fact of nature for me. I’ve long since learned I am surrounded by many others who suffer, too. The depression and anxiety — I am mindfully not referring to it as MY depression and anxiety because words matter — have been fairly well-managed. However, there are times when things get to be a bit too much and I get sucked into a cycle of depression. Reality becomes really distorted. Everything from thinking how I really suck at everything, to feeling like a failure of a mom. It’s not a fun place to be. And it’s also not fun for those around me.

I know I’m getting better when things get this way. I’m able to hold onto the thought, “logically, I know I don’t actually totally suck, but right now things are hard.” I just wish there was a way to avoid these periods of depression altogether. But that’s just not realistic. I don’t have a magic potion to take to avoid the whole thing. (The potion reference must subconsciously be a Harry Potter thing.) I have; however, picked up a few tactics along the way. Things I’ve found help soften the impact of the dark periods a bit. 

This last cycle of depression, I gave myself permission to only take care of certain things and then spend the remaining time resting. It was like a mental contract with myself that went something like this: “as long as I keep the kitchen clean and food on the table in some form or another for everyone, I can let the rest go until I’m feeling better.” Don’t get me wrong. Even that was a tall order, but somehow by carving out what I would do versus what I wasn’t doing helped minimize guilt. 

In addition to making a mental contract with myself, I vented my frustrations in a different way. I was mindful of coupling my complaint with a point of gratitude. “This is so frustrating, and I am proud of myself for keeping the kitchen clean!” Or to my husband, “I am so tired of having to lay around, but honey isn’t it amazing how I’ve managed to make sure we’ve all got dinner?” Breaking things into smaller parts helps a lot. This approach helps when navigating an illness or cycle of depression or other challenging period.

Cherish yourself: When you’re sick, or struggling through a period of depression, do the best you can to make mini agreements with yourself about what you are going to accomplish, then let the rest go until you’re feeling better. Baby steps.

P.S. Since this post addresses the topic of depression, I feel the need to clearly state this… I am not a doctor, nor should what I share about what works for me be a replacement for anything from a medical doctor. A reputable source of information for depression would be something like the National Institute of Mental Health.