Disclaimer: I drafted this post back in February 2024 and have since moved past my period of crippling fear. Yay! I really do practice what I share here in my posts. By putting a lot of focus on staying and being in the present (i.e., practicing mindfulness), I was eventually able to crowd out fear. Sharing now in case it helps even just one person know they are not alone. 💞
I don’t know where I’m going with this, but I just needed to start typing. I haven’t written a blog post in months. I’ve been crippled with fear and I don’t even understand where the fear is coming from. Or, why is it still here. I just know it has had me pinned under a boulder; hiding in a dark cave with very little visibility to the beautiful sky.
Fundamentally, I know I want to be writing posts for this blog. And, I want to be successful and feel good about it. Yet, fear. Crippling fear. This feeling that’s gripping me from the inside out. Sometimes, I can run just out of its reach and breathe a bit, but I can still see it. It’s still there, looming over me waiting to take back over — to pull me into its “arms” and drag me back into not doing. Not accomplishing and not creating must mean being stuck in fear. It has to. I’m not sure how else to explain it?
Fundamentally, I want to be creating and accomplishing because it feels so good and gives me satisfaction and confidence from within. I know that feeling. I can still sort of feel it if I concentrate really hard. And then, the giant dark fear monster — like the Mind Flayer in “Stranger Things” — takes back over and I’m only half-heartedly grasping at the walls of this pit. I almost don’t want to even try grasping because I think it might hurt. I’ve felt enough hurt. I feel like I’ve gone through enough hurt and I’ve slammed into the pavement at 5,000 miles per hour enough times. And therefore, to live a life of calm and even-keel would be totally okay for me.
Wow, look at that. I’ve already written three paragraphs. How does that make me feel? I’m not really sure, to be honest. Physically, I don’t feel all that great right now so that probably doesn’t help. Ah, and the biggie — mom guilt. Not being with my kids all day unless they came to “visit me” in bed because I’m not feeling well. ARGH! Okay but those are the bigger, obvious things. I know what I need to do. No, CHOOSE to do. I need to focus on the smaller things that I know add up to something pretty great.
I’ve got the sweetest foster dog laying nearby. He is just such a big love and it feels good to have this sort of loyal companionship. I’ve been missing this since our family dog, Sparky passed away about 9 months ago. I’m listening to some lovely, calming, yet empowering music through my earbuds and it feels good. It’s a playlist I made after coming home from this amazing retreat last summer. Really good, powerful moments and memories where I learned that what I want to focus on is CHERISHING myself. I’m also sitting in a comfy chair. My husband and I felt pretty proud of ourselves for finding such a deal on this two-seater theater-style chair a couple years back. Noticing small things. The more I notice, the less room there is for fear.
The last line I read in a book yesterday was something like, “We get one life and it only moves forward.” That really struck me. How can fear continue to dominate me? How can it continue to bind my hands, my brain, my heart from doing the creative and productive things my soul deeply desires? Can fear do that if I CHOOSE to live in the present? Nope!
The fear I’m experiencing right now came from somewhere in the past and I’m striving to live in the present. The thing or things that triggered the fear already happened. They’re done. It’s time to live in the present and CHOOSE to focus on what’s right in front of me.
Cherish yourself: When you become aware of fear starting to take over, make a point to focus on your surroundings and find things to feel thankful for in the present. Fear cannot coexist if you’re fully present.