I just had the “pleasure” of escorting my first grader to the school entrance instead of dropping him off with his brother, per usual. He has been away from school for three school days and two weekend days. One day of bereavement (we lost our family cat last week) and then two sick days. In his world, I know that’s a long time. I can totally empathize with how he was feeling: Scared and worried about going back to school. And at the same time, as the mom, it’s my job to gently nudge him to course correct.
I remember those feelings from my childhood. Staying home sick and then feeling really anxious about going back. Not only worried about the things I missed in class, but the things that took place between my peers. Would my friends still want to play tetherball with me during recess? Would so-and-so still be my BFF, or would they have moved on because I wasn’t there to share playground gossip or swap snacks?
I remember one instance of being really worried about going back to school especially vividly. At one point, I was curled up in a ball on the floor of our laundry room — must have been in fifth grade at the time. I was feeling absolute terror about going to school. Of course, that may have been in part due to the fact that I had a very miserable fifth grade teacher who took it out on her students. Poor woman (in hindsight).
Anyway… these tortured memories and experiences are actually coming in handy as my own kids navigate grade school and need a course correct. Like just this morning with the need to course correct my first grader. I was able to see past all of the tears and essentially a tantrum, to what was likely going on. I was able to really empathize with him. Once he was calm enough, I explained to him that I really did understand how he was feeling. I shared that I too had similar experiences when I was his age. I think it helped. Maybe a little?
Showing our kids empathy seems to go a long way. My fourth grader frequently comes home in a tizzy over a classmate doing something he thinks is against the rules. (My child, always the hall monitor!) I am able to dig into the archives of my memories and share some similar stories. It seems to help him somewhat. At least it gives him something to think about, and to help him start realizing he’s not the only one in the world with these feelings. I have to say though, it’s really weird hearing the name of my childhood bully being mentioned at unexpected times!
So there’s the empathy piece, and then there’s the piece as a parent that means you need to push anyway. Even though you understand how much your child is suffering (from their very real point of view!), there’s still the task of giving a gentle nudge to keep going anyway. I gave my first grader that gentle nudge at the back door to the school today and he walked in with tears still in his eyes, but didn’t turn back. My heart is hurting a little and I am proud at the same time. This momming thing is so emotional!
P.S. I gave my first grader’s teacher a heads-up via email about the rough morning and got this response: “I wouldn’t have really known that was what he was feeling as he came in to school as happy as he is every day!” Kids truly are so resilient! And they do take to heart what us moms say.
Cherish yourself: Empathizing with your kids will go a long way in helping them to understand the world better. It can be hard, but stand proud when you nudge them; you’re helping them grow.